January 14, 2011
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Engaged in the Digital Age
I do love being able to stay connected with friends through outlets like Xanga or Facebook. The thing I don’t like about it is that it seems to make a lot of people really lazy about how they remain connected to their friends.
When the Architect and I got engaged a year and a half ago, we made sure that we told all of the important people in our life that we were engaged either in person or by phone before we updated our social networks. We didn’t want anyone to feel like we didn’t think they weren’t important enough to reach out and touch before we let our digital world in on our happy news.
I think I probably complained about this in a protected post this summer but one of my very good friends, the one that introduced the Architect and I, announced her engagement on Facebook. I was pretty hurt about it and admittedly I can be a little passive aggressive on my worse days. I didn’t know what to do so I wrote “Congratulations” on her FB wall and let it alone. I was steaming though.
She did call me almost right away with a feeble excuse about wanting to get the news all out at once but I was still pretty hurt. Especially because she apparently considers me important enough in her life to have me in her wedding (she was in my wedding party as well). I just found it strange.
Yesterday, the Architect and I had another good friend that announced their engagement on Facebook. Again, we knew that they would probably be getting married soon (they announced that they were pregnant at Christmas and wanted to be engaged before the baby comes in August). We had even talked about helping them out with wedding planning and the wedding itself so the engagement is sort of a formality I suppose.
I guess I was a little less upset about this second situation because it wasn’t a big surprise or anything but it had me wondering, is this a common practice now?
What do you think about this? Is there ever news that’s inappropriate to share on the web?
Comments (21)
I can see how it would seem less personal… I’d be frustrated too. But it also seems like that’s the wave of technology – that something’s more than likely going to be put up on the web before it’s personally communicated. In a way, I find that scary… because it makes me think that we’re losing our personal connectedness with others. Granted, the internet makes sharing info very easy – but are we losing our personal contact, by default? I admit that I feel closer to a lot of Xangans than I do most of the people I know “IRL”… and so that’s a great asset. But you showcased the flip side – actually losing personal contact, by setting the internet as your default means of communication. Very interesting contradiction!
With people’s e-sensibilities these days, I don’t know what would be considered inappropriate or not…
I am at an age where most people don’t have big news to share anymore, so I have less personal experience here. I imagine that I would feel as you do – share it in person/by phone with those you are closest to (and your wedding party!), and use the internet to get the word out to the masses. It is a little odd to hear of people’s every decision in wedding planning online, only to realize you’re not invited to the wedding. (But this has only happened for me w/ a few friends’ second marriages, and we haven’t seen each other in many years…..)
Is a blog or a social net made to be an announce of engagement or marriage fo the people that are close of us . I don’ t think . This looks superficial . Where is the courtesy ? The worldwise knows the news before family members and close friends !
Love
Michel
I get annoyed hearing about things on facebook first, if it’s a close friend. To me, posting something on facebook does not count as a legitimate means of telling friends; it’s fine for acquaintances, but not real friends.
I can see how it would be seen as not beging personal, but she probably had a lot of folks to tell. HOWEVER, Johnny and I did tell our family and close friends first, facebook came about a week later. I guess it depends on the bride. I’ve seen plenty of my friends announce engagements via facebook though.
That is so rude to not have called you personally and informed you of the engagement. Chalk it up to the evil tides of technology.
Your feelings are totally understandable, Meg, and I share them. Facebook and social media are not the place to break news that should first be shared face-to-face or by phone. But maybe the norms are changing a bit and we have to accept that. Plus, I’m sure these people didn’t make their announcement that way with the intent to slight you.
I guess I am old school on these kinds of things. Personal communication still seems to be the best. But the times are a changin..
–BTB
Now a days there seems to be nothing that is inappropriate to share online and I think it is the new way to communicate.
I think news that’s inappropriate to share would be bad news or gossip that doesn’t necessarily involve the person who is spreading/sharing it.
I recently got engaged, and I made sure to share the news with all my family and friends before posting it on facebook. My fiancée, on the other hand, let facebook notify everyone for him. I guess it depends on how you and your loved ones communicate.
I am in full agreement with you, I am a bit “old fashioned” although I am on FB.
my daughter only last week received an SMS from her best friend ..”by the way we’re getting married in sept” she was offended that her best friend couldn’t have called her instead of sending an SMS. which naturally was sent to everyone in her mobile directory.
Good manners are gradually disappearing.
RITA
Wow. I wonder if this is a sample of what is to come. Maybe what they have done will be considered acceptable in the years to come? I still think a handwritten invitation to a wedding is “de rigeur.” Engagement? I am not so sure.
This is all due to the death of any etiquette classes being taught and the lack of parents picking up the slack. This leaves it to common sense which isn’t so common anymore.
We have all this new technology and no established social rules. As a result you get people making personal announcements on facebook, asking out and breaking up via text messages, etc…
I think there are tons of occasions where announcing on FB is just inappropriate. And I agree with you…closest friends need to be told face-to-face with the phone being second choice. Truly, I think all the right people need to be told and THEN it’s okay to post on FB.
Steve’s mom has a way and a reputation in the family for being the one to let everyone know the family’s milestones.
Every Saturday, Steve’s mom and her sister talk. They give each other the inside scoop on their own children and the rest of the family. Steve’s mom has 3 kids, her sister has 4, and all their other siblings have 1 or 2 kids each…so these two ladies are the information central to the family.
There’s a nice element to the two ladies, and to Steve’s mom’s “thing” for delivering big news. After all, both ladies have big hearts and probably mean well.
That said, when Steve and I were first married, she called us a few times to give us his cousins’ news and she prefaced the news with, “You’re not supposed to know this yet, so keep it to yourself, but…” and once I even cut her off and said, “If I’m not supposed to know it, then it can wait.” (VERY big of me, not sure where I found the self control, lol!) Well, that sharing of news before it was public, when I hardly knew the cousins involved…well, it left a bad taste in my mouth. I started to disrespect Steve’s mom as the bearer of information.
Once, a cousin got engaged and put in on FB right away. I read it on FB before Steve’s mom called us to share the good news. She was NOT happy that I’d heard the news already.
I joke to Steve that I’ll post a pregnancy on FB while we’re on the phone telling Steve’s mom. That way we can feel like WE shared OUR information. Because I simply can’t trust her to let us tell our own news. But I doubt I’d to that…because I think it’s better to call the cousins we’re close to than it is to post it.
@Passionflwr86 - Yeah, there are definitely positives and negatives to having connectivity through the internet. I just don’t like that it seems to be making us less likely to actually reach out and touch someone personally.
@Redshirte - This post is coming from someone who is pretty old-fashioned when it comes to communication. I still handwrite thank you notes! I think I’m in a minority when it comes to doing that!
@turningreen - It’s just weird to me that someone would broadcast really big information before sharing it with people that we’re close to.
@fauquet - I definitely think it’s more polite to personally tell people that you’re close to what’s going on before the worldwide broadcast.
@epiginoskete - Exactly my feelings!
@TheCheshireGrins - Oh, I noticed on one of your replies, how you handwrite thank yous… I do too! And I am well aware it’s a dying practice… it does seem to make some people happy, though.
@bravegirl1986 - I just thought it was weird because she obviously considered me a good enough friend to have in the wedding (it’s only me, her sister, and her fiance’s sister in the wedding).
@ZSA_MD - The internet is great for a lot of things but it’s made people super lazy about maintaining relationships, I think.
@christao408 - Ugh, I dread the day when that becomes the norm. I hate talking on the phone but I would rather hear big news on the phone rather than by mass broadcast by internet.
@buildthebridge - @grannyinboxers - And I am most certainly dragging my feet if this is the way things are going!
@T0m03 - Yes, people definitely shouldn’t be sharing other people’s news online!
@band_geek3000 - I suppose everyone is a little different. With the latest engagement news, my husband and I agreed that the Facebook announcement was pretty in line with how that particular couple usually announces things so we weren’t that surprised or offended.
@REDPOPPY1 - Ugh, a SMS is in the same vein as a FB announcement. I would have been offended as well.
@marigold_mom - Yeah, I don’t know if this is just a taste of what’s to come. I hope not though!
@SoullFire - It’s just weird to me. I still love sending and receiving things by snail mail. And while I hate talking on the phone, a call to tell big news is always nice.
@BigToePeople - Yeah, I have people in my family like that. We all know that if you want to keep a secret, you don’t tell them until you have to!
@Passionflwr86 - I think it’s a nice way to acknowledge people’s gifts to you and they never take that long to do!
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