April 30, 2010
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Third Party Interloper
I was listening to the radio this morning and they were talking about Rielle Hunter’s (John Edwards lova) appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show yesterday. Admittedly, I taped the show but have yet to watch it (I just finished reading The Politician by Andrew Young which is all about the downfall of Edwards. Gossipy book but I kind of liked it).
Anyhow, the radio hosts were talking about something that really got me thinking. Hunter had a quote on the show that stated “It is not my experience that a third party wrecks a home… I believe the problems exist before a third party comes into the picture.”
To a degree, I agree with the part about there being problems before a third party gets involved in breaking up a relationship or a marriage. I don’t think there are a lot of cases where people in a happy relationship or marriage have one partner go outside the marriage without some sort of underlying problem being present in the relationship. However, I do think that the third party does play some role in breaking up the relationship. If a person knowingly goes after someone that is in a relationship, they’re still partially at fault for breaking that relationship up although most of the blame should be placed on the person who goes outside of the relationship.
So I want to know: Who do you think is at fault for breaking up a relationship? The partner who broke the relationship or the third party interloper who came into the picture or both? What do you think?
Secondary Commentary on the Edwards Case:
In the case of John Edwards, I have a hard time seeing how he could go outside of his relationship while he should have been dealing with his wife’s cancer. The unfortunate thing about that is that I’ve unfortunately seen a marriage break up when one of the partners was diagnosed with cancer. Some people deal with issues better than others. In the case of the marriage that I saw break up in real life, I think the partner who left the marriage just couldn’t handle what was going on. Is it fair? No, not really but it happened. With Edwards, I definitely think that he was taken down by a classic case of hubris or extreme arrogance and haughtiness (isn’t that how all tragic heroes go?) which led him to believe that he was absolutely infallible. While his affair began, he was deemed the golden child and heir apparent to the highest position that we have in this country (remember, he was ahead of both Obama and Clinton for awhile during the 2008 election cycle). For people of a certain personality type, that definitely has the possibility go to one’s head…
Comments (15)
Marriages are broken from the inside out. One or both parties just isn’t strong enough to make it work. I think that John Edwrds was arrogant enough to think it was his due to have whatever young woman he wanted whenever he wanted her. I lost my best friend when I had cancer. She freaked on me and threw me out of her house after my third chemo. She couldn’t handle it. I was totally destroyed by that.
The cheating spouse is responsible for breaking up the relationship, the interloper is guilty by association.
Dear Meg, I’ll agree with your 2nd commenter. Someone in the relationship has to initiate the cuckoldry, and the “3rd party interloper” is the object of the cuckold, not the cause.
Of course, the person who cheats could blame something on his partner as to why he/she cheated, but it’s the cheater’s “fault” that the cuckoldry happened. He/she might be forgiven by the partner, but in my personal case, back in 95, when my galfriend cheated on me, I said goodbye.
Michael F. Nyiri, poet, philosopher, fool
I think the cheating spouse is responsible, but like the others said; the third party knew what they were doing.
I know this, having a serious health issue (partner, child, parent, etc) can destroy even the strongest of marriages. Some people simply can’t handle the pressure.
The 3rd party isn’t primarily responsible, but they do act as an enabler which makes them indirectly responsible. To claim innocence is like a person saying they had nothing to do with robberies, but they also have no problem buying “hot goods” at a flea market.
Their actions also condone dishonorable behavior, so they shouldn’t be upset if they lose out to another 3rd party down the line.
Edwards was a legend in his own mind. You really have to be really detached from reality to act as he did knowing what happened to Clinton. He was willing to put his entire parties election future in jeopardy. It’s not surprising he could rationalize cheating on his sick wife.
In the past all of the people who have knowledges of reasons d ‘ empechement to a marriage must say it before the act be signed .
But other times , other ways of life !!
For the best and for the worst .
Love
michel
Interesting question and it looks like most of your commenters are coming down with the same basic answer. Generally, I’d agree that few affairs take root if the soil isn’t made fertile by problems in the marriage. Generally, I’d also agree that the third person is responsible for encouraging or enabling the cheating spouse. If those two people hit it off, then the spouse needs to go back and end the relationship first.
But because of an experience that happened in my life some fifteen years ago, long before Tawn, I’ve come to realize that relationships and affairs are very messy and complex things and I’ve become hesitant to judge so quickly the rights and wrongs in such situations.
I put the blame both on the cheating spouse and the one they are cheating with,
I think everyone is capable of letting power get to them…
And a relationship is a two party affair, no matter how it begins, even if it is the break up of another relationship…those two agreed to enter into an agreement…other than that it is a chicken and egg situation…
A relationship that is based on monogamy is a relationship ruled by Heterosexual Patriarchy – the premiere element of which is ownership of the woman by the Man, who takes this wild soulless demonic creature from hell and ‘husbands’ her into an obedient slave girl
Because society has been built upon this principle there is a choice for women – viz., to be persecuted as revolutionaries or to succumb to HP in exchange for a better ‘standard of living’ than the Conservatives allow to or for the disobedients; and thus she agrees to the ownership/monogamy pact and if the guy fucks up he’s a cheat, scoundrel, cad, whatever. And if she fucks up she’s a filthy no good whore, slut worthless creature that must be stoned
Personally I would prefer a relationship based on Love and if I Love someone and they happen to have a sexual encounter with others I’m most likely not going to ever know about it anyway and as long as the sex and Loving is still good so what?
The dilemma here results from two thousand years of Patriarchal repression and as women begin to exert and exercise some freedom which has been allowed to them by the Conservative Patriarchs to counter the dred of Homosexuality or even worst bisexuality, women have no role models or guideposts so they inevitably use those created by men – viz., I own you -i.e., your cock, your emotions, your soul, everything and thus you have this unreal situation which to me is true soullessness and therefore two people living under this veil of socially imposed repression? Anything can happen. Personally if I Love someone? I don’t care who they have sex with because I Love them Not the possession ♥♥♥♥♥
I don’t think anyone has the right to judge other’s motives on why they’d cheat on their spouses. I agree that there had to be problems in the marriage before the extramarital affair occurred. If two people truly cared for one another, the desire to cheat certainly wouldn’t be there. So I don’t feel cheating is at all spontaneous. In some cases, the spouse who was cheated on may also be at fault for why the adulterous affair occurred. So I don’t think we can define all extramarital affairs as black and white. We have to look at the gray areas in between.
I can’t really say that third parties are ever at fault for the breakup itself. Either one or both of the married parties is to blame.
Then again, I’m not married, so there could easily be things I don’t understand about a situation like that.
@marigold_mom - I definitely think that Edwards’ arrogance played a big role in his fall. I’m sorry to hear about the break up of your friendship. Like you said, some people just are not emotionally strong enough to get through tough situations.
@karila - I think that is the most succinct way to put it!
@baldmike2004 - I’ve never been one to really stand for cheating.
@gwacemom@momaroo - Yes, definitely, any situation where there is a lot of pressure can have an affect on a relationship. It’s hard.
@SoullFire - Yeah, the book I just read made the point that to John Edwards, he was the most important person in the world and believed that he had a higher purpose (winning the Presidency) and that higher purpose absolved him from any wrong doing.
@christao408 - @zionlover - As both of you have pointed out, the gray areas are the hardest areas to assess. It’s easy to make a judgement from the outside but harder when you don’t have real insight into what’s going on.
@styx_site - A little blame should go to both, definitely.
@youandwhosearmy - There has to be a reason that power seems to be the root of a downfall for many
@SoapAndShampoo - I think the third party at least deserves a little bit of the blame but I don’t believe they cause the initial rift in the marriage.
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