December 20, 2009
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Making Marriage Work?
Well, we ended up getting about two feet of snow. For the DMV area, this is a lot of snow. Frankly 4-5 inches is considered to be a lot of snow around here so two feet seems gargantuan. We spent the day inside. I wrote my Christmas cards finally. Now to get them in the mail (currently surrounded by about two feet of snow and unreachable). Hrm, that might have to happen on Tuesday.
This weekend, the Architect and I started reading a book that our minister recommended we work through together. It’s called Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. We’re going to read a chapter a week and work through some of the exercises together. Reading the book got me to thinking a little bit which brings me to a question for all of you.
What relationship/marriage advice would you all give to a couple getting ready to get married (you don’t have to be married yourself to answer this question)?
Comments (32)
Know all of each others sexual desires and try polyamory 1st – know how each other would feel if the other had sex with someone else or even fantasizes about it
Never threaten divorce in a marriage. One should never have gotten married in the first place.
Communication! It sounds so simple but people overlook it so much. My husband and I talk about literally EVERYTHING. No secrets. We talk about everything from politics to babies to bowel movements. Seriously. And because of that we have very few arguments – and even if we do “argue”, it’s really just a calm discussion because we just explain where we’re coming from. Just plain old talking does wonders for your relationship.
I’ve asked this question twice on Xanga! LOL. It’s a great question to ask because you can never be too prepared for a lifelong thing.
My mom gave me this simple advice (one of many): Divorce is not an option. It shouldn’t be in your mind or heart.
That’s all I can think of right now.
Know that your partner can’t read your mind and won’t meet your expectations of they don’t know them
Just because things are important to you doesn’t mean they are important to everyone …example: if you want laundry folded a particular way YOU FOLD IT… if you want someone else to fold it …accept it how they do it
establish your reason for marriage, and share your goal in life…. marriage is sharing of lives, if you cannot share your life goal together, then….
be kind to each other…
@travelerblue - Or just do what Traveler says….good advice…
Well you know my feelings on divorce…from my own experience, I would say knowing that things are not going to be hunky dory and that that is okay, that relationships go in cycles, and that when you are in a “bad” cycle try not to pay attention to the negative, be aware, but don’t emphasize. And be careful reading help books, they can be interpreted in a hundred different ways and it is easy to get conflictitory information….as well as probably from this comment section…
Get to know the dirty side of the mate or I guess to put it another way, keep expectations low. If your partner is constantly letting you down it will a whole lot harder to continue then if they are constantly surprising you. It is also easier if each other’s belief systems are similar, not so much for staying together but for when kids come, deciding what school, religion etc and the degree of participation is tough enough. Or at least have clear expectations of which takes precedence.
If you can openly talk about the above…that is a bonus and the first important thing. Having areas that you disagree on is the hardest part of a relationship for me, you cannot cut the lines of communication on them but you can’t bring them up everyday. These areas are sensitive and usually one partner feels more anxiety about it than the other, the partner on the other end should take note of this and adjust accordingly. Every couple has their own “system” for dealing with this…you probably already have one…but be aware of it…know it…
Don’t go to bed with curlers in your hair!!
See how you always want to please him now, dress well, be attentive to his demands or requests, and appear wholesome and likeable?? Try to stay that way all the time so he desires you always. I have seen women, who change as soon as they get married, and don’t care what they wear at home or abroad, day or night, have disshevled hair, etc. I think that is one quick way to lose the romance in life.
If your parents have a beautiful and charmed life together, emulate their habits. Everything else you can read in the books.
Communication is key. I know it sounds trite, but just about all marital issues stem from not communicating, or no communicating in a useful way.
Be prepared to sacrifice your soul.
Never forget to take the time to spend together. TALK! Laugh when you can. Love often and let the other know how much. Never let other’s opinions impact your relationship. Lastly, never go to bed mad at each other.
Be a good listener. When the spouse is whining about work or anything else, most times he does not want your solutions. He just needs a listening ear.
Above all, respect each other and never take each other for granted. Talk about everything and make decisions together. Be friends.
One of the biggest sources of stress in all marriages is money. Even when you think you and the other person share the same values, when it comes to what to spend money on, how much is okay to spend without checking in with the other person, how much to save for short-, medium- and long-term goals, etc. there always turn out to be surprises.
If your finances aren’t 100% integrated yet, I would recommend spending a lot of time talking about this. Even though Tawn and I have been together almost a decade and our finances have been pretty well intermingled for about seven of the years, money remains an area where we view the world differently.
Remember thar you are each others best ally, support and friend. Never say anything degrading to each other. It’s ok to have differences of opinion, but always speak to each other as kindly as you would to your best friend.
Never let someone else advise you on YOUR marriage. (as I sit here typing advice) You don’t share your problem with others. You don’t let them tell you what to do. This is between you and your mate.
Always find a solution to every problem. Sometimes the solution is that you will simply disagree on something (because frankly, it doesnt really matter anyway!)
That is a great book, btw. (If you like those kinds of books, one of the books that made a huge difference for me was Becoming the Woman of his Dreams by Sharon Jaynes. It really made a difference in my understanding of relationships.)
I am bad at relationships with men…so I will just wish you well chica!
Respect each other, be friends and discuss issues. Make sure your relationship is 50/50.
Do not under-estimate the power of communication.
@youandwhosearmy - no, really! we tend to be ‘meanest’ to those we love most. (married 28 years!)
always go to bed together. take the time to work things out – no matter how long it takes, wait until you are both calm enough to discuss it – then work it out before you leave/go to sleep.
don’t ever leave each other without a kiss or saying, “i love you.” you never know what is going to happen – make for 1000% positive sure that your partner knows you care.
Set some rules on how to disagree.
This needs love , will and persistence .along the years .
Love
Michel
make me the godfather of your children.
@strawberries_and_honey - I really don’t get why anyone would threaten that. It’s pretty horrible!
@whitetrashpoet - @MsCatbert2You - @Stellarshore - Communication is really important. That’s one lesson that I’ve learned from previous relationships. If you can’t talk to each other, things just aren’t really going to work out. Luckily Phil and I are pretty willing to talk about everything even if it gets a little uncomfortable. We know we need to work things out.
@FreeeVerse - Simple advice but very good advice.
@maniacsicko - Having the same goals is definitely important! Good advice!
@travelerblue - I think I can do that!
@youandwhosearmy - All good advice!
@ZSA_MD - Both Phil and I are lucky enough to come from homes where both sets of parents are still married so we have some pretty good role models to look up to!!!
@LetheOfHeaven - Who needs a soul these days anyhow??
@Celtic_Wandering - Good advice! Thank you!
@icepearlz - Listening is so important!
@christao408 - We are not fully integrated financially yet but money is something that we talk about a lot. Luckily we seem to mostly be on the same page even if I do have to rein Phil in sometimes.
@endlesssummer128 - Makes sense. Tone of voice can make or break a conversation!
@amygwen - Yeah, I suppose that when it comes down to it, it is the couple that needs to be able to work things out.
@der_lila_Stern - Ooo, I’ll put that book on my list. Thank you!
@portiajules - Well wishes work for me
@LadyShades - Good, simple advice
@Dreams_of_a_Cowgirl - I think your point about not knowing what’s going to happen is a really good point!
@ElusiveWords - Rules of Engagement!
@fauquet - Good advice!
@TheBigShowAtUD - That may solve all of the ills of the world! lol
Advise: Hard learned but smart.
Wait till you are beyond the ‘honeymoon’ stage of the relationship (in other words, been together longer than a year).
Marry them because you want them in your life, not because you need them. The two are very different and as you mature and life changes, the difference becomes very noticeable.
Unless family would be horrified, live together a bit first (just to make sure you can co-habitat).
Knowing you can survive the rough stuff that life may throw at you is really important.
Good luck and best wishes to all.
As you can see, the internet may not be big enough to capture all of this great advice everyone has offered! Learning to say you are sorry is important. It is better if you both learn that lesson together and early on in your relationship. I also think it is important to understand and accept that you both will change individually and grow as you age. We all do. Let lots of things you don’t like slide. Expect surprises in life. Try not to lose your sense of humor. The two of you will be a great success. I know it! –BTB