I just read a book that really got me thinking. It's called "The Elegance of the Hedgehog" by Muriel Barbery.
In the book, one of the main characters, Renee Michel, is a lowly concierge at an apartment building filled with rich residents who look down on her because they believe she is just a lowly concierge and nothing of more consequence. Renee hides from the world and is content to simply let the residents believe she is stupid because she believes that is what the residents want to believe of her. She is anything but lowly or stupid
During another part of the book, another main character named Paloma makes this observation, "
Madame Michel has the elegance of the hedgehog: on the outside, she's covered in quills, a real fortress, but my gut feeling is that on the inside, she has the same simple refinement as the hedgehog: a deceptively indolent little creature, fiercely solitary- and terribly elegant."
This is the quote that got me thinking. How many times in life are we afraid of showing other people who we really are? How many times do we pretend to be something else because we believe that it is what is expected of us? How many times are we too afraid to show our true colors?
Why do we feel this way?
There's people out there who act dumber than they really are just because they believe that's what they are supposed to do. There are others out there that over-compensate for what they are missing because they are too nervous to be real and to be true to themselves. Is there a need to do this?
Why is being ourselves so uncomfortable for so many?
It's a struggle to be totally comfortable with yourself. I know I still struggle with this. It's not easy to just accept yourself automatically. Maybe if we weren't so afraid... if we didn't worry so much about what others think or see us as, it would be that much easier. Until then, we all just have to keep pressing on.
Comments (24)
I am an expert in making people feel comfortable...and being comfortable to get intimate with people...I used to think this was a useless skill, but as I get older it seems to have some major benefits...
I think that's a real problem. People are afraid to be who they truly are for fear of rejection; fear that they may not fit in. Personally, I don't give a damn what people think. If I'm not liked, oh well. Not my loss. I won't stop being who I am just to fit in. Good post!
I'm not gonna lie, I thought of Sonic the Hedgehog when I first read the title of this post.
I think AnamcharaConcepts explined it well. It seems to me that people are afraid to show their true colors because they are afraid that people won't like them if they do.
I'd be myself, but then I'd probably lose my job. Of course, you know how little I want it, but that's another story. There are certain social mores that require us to conform or be outcast. In that way, we are very wolf-like. Some of us really are hedgehogs though. I'd certainly consider myself a hedgehog. Did you know another words for hedgehog is urchin, which is also another word for pixie? Human hedgehogs are very fay creatures. You never know if you're going to get the quills. heh
But in all seriousness, the only time I am not myself is at work, and then I put on another persona. There are certain areas of life where you are expected to act within a certain standard of "professionalism," and when you don't, you're severely punished (usually by losing you job). The term "the customer is always right," immediately springs to mind. I don't think the customer is always right at all. Often they are not even close, and I think forcing people in retail to kowtow to them no matter what is what has led to abuses of the system and post traumatic stress syndrome in the workplace. Seriously, I've considered applying for SSI because I can't take working with people any more. I'm afraid I might snap on someone someday. Some days I think garbage men must be treated better and receive more respect than I do as a retail salesperson.
Sounds like an interesting read. Seems to me you can't be truly be yourself unless you know you are loved unconditionally. I only know one place where that can be found.....I hope I can share that love with others and let each one be who he/she really is.
This is an important theme. I have a long way to go, but I know I've come quite far in the last few years since being in my current job. I'm less afraid to try things (though I lapse a lot) and I'm more outgoing (most of the time).
I like who you are, at least from what I know of you through here 
Beautiful and thought-provoking, Meg. Sadly, I suspect it is all too common, perhaps most of all from people that are traditionally subjugated by society. How many brilliant young women stay quiet in the classroom while their male peers get the teacher's attentions? I recall a university friend of mine - a young man from suburban Los Angeles who is, African-American and gay. He shared with me how he felt like he was never able to be fuly himself in any of those settings because each expected something specific of him that didn't reflect his whole being.
This gets me thinking about a post you wrote a while back about "Who am I?" I actually wrote a draft of a post in answer to that question, but continue to turn my words around in my head, wondering how much of my self-definition is a reflection of what others project onto me? What things do I edit or emphasize because of what I think others expect?
I'd like to think I'm comfortable in my own skin. I at least like who I am. But I do worry so much about what others think. And then I usually do what I was going to do anyway. No sense in making myself unhappy if someone, somewhere won't be pleased by whatever I choose. Not everyone will like it no matter what I do, so why alter my behavior to please them. I do wear my heart on my sleeve though. A fault of mine.
I do however, have issues with my body image. Now, I'll never starve myself or work out until I drop dead, but I have been known to try to improve my body. And not for simply health reasons.
I think that people tend to overlook me, and not want to get to really know me. But once they do, they find someone they didn't expect. So in that way, I guess I am like the hedgehog.
@ZSA_MD - My SO is much this way. He doesn't have very many friends, and he's very guarded. Took me months to actually get to know him because he always had his guard up, hiding himself. I don't think he's afraid of who he is. He is a very self-assured and confident person. He hardly ever questions or second-guesses himself. He knows what he wants, likes, and thinks. Still, I've asked him why he hides and he'll tell me that anyone worth him knowing will seek him out. All the others don't really care, otherwise they would dig deeper. I, personally, worry that he's warded off many potential friends with this attitude. But I must say, the friends he does have are close, loyal, and of the very best sort. What do you think?
Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland?
And to your post, wow. I always assumed that as one got older, they would learn to accept and be comfortable to be themselves. That it is only in the teenage years of angst that one has to deal with insecurities and identity. Please tell me I'm right (or right to some extent at least).
@youandwhosearmy - I have the making others comfortable part down but I'm still working on the other part. Both are truly great skills to have!
@AnamcharaConcepts - Good for you :) That's a good way to live life!
@Rob_of_the_Sky - Yeah, I think that's a great explanation as well.
@harmony0stars - Yeah, that is one reason I do not miss the retail world. Sometimes customers aren't right; they really are just jerks, very unreasonable, pushy jerks.
@i_was_there_and_back_again - Yeah, I do believe that unconditional love has a good deal to play in this scenario. A lot of people simply don't understand what it is to be loved unconditionally.
@BoureeMusique - Aww, thank you :) Time does make things easier. You move forward and things change.
@christao408 - You make a really interesting point. How much of what we think we are is a reflection of what we expect others think we are? I can see why your words have changed so many times when asking that question of yourself. It's a hard one to answer!
@ZSA_MD - It's funny you should make this point. Paloma, the other main character that made the observation that I quoted is one of those people. She's 12 years old and brilliant but she would rather not let her family see that because she finds them incredibly vapid and self-consumed. She is longing for someone who is unlike that and with whom she can actually relate to. She finds this in the character of Renee.
@MarksBeneathTheSkin - To a degree, I think we are all like the hedgehog. Walls are put up and so many times, it takes a long time to realize that we should put them back down.
@fauquet - Very good point!
@philosophicthoughts - I think to a degree, you are correct. Most people at least know who they are once they get out of high school and college. I do think there are a lot of people that still are not themselves when they are in front of other people. This may not always be a bad thing. For instance, I'm a pretty shy person but I force myself to be outgoing in professional and personal situations. It takes me a long time to really let my guard down but I know that it's better if I can at least act outgoing because it makes people more comfortable. I'm not sure if that makes sense...
I think most of us do that because we have trust and vulnerability issues. We don't trust others to take care of us, so we don't make ourselves vulnerable to them.
Excellent post. (Excellent quote!!)
Some of the places I've interviewed at and even somewhat at my last job I felt like I had to hide the real me, at least more than was healthy. For some reason so many companies think that if you have a sense of humor not like their own you are a goof off and won't accomplish anything. Thankfully the internet at least won't try to make me be the cookie cutter mold of a soulless shell unless I really want to. ;)
ah, I think I can relate to this, its fear of rejection. It's easier for some to please a person and be who they are not then to stand up for them self and be who they really are. I do think though, once that person starts to accept themselves as who they are, then they start to not be afraid of rejection.
RYC: Thanks!!!!!!!! I'm SO fortunate to have the family 'base' that can pick up the slack. (Panda doing the cat thing and drooling as I type this - man, I miss her when I'm gone...) Emailed cousin-in-law to get the 'real' poop. Mom is downstairs talking to grand-daughters - she's in heaven! (sorry, didn't read your brilliant blog - just trying to keep up today...)
You are absolutely right. I have to agree. Thanks for the comment, I appreciate it.
Update soon ^^
@Krissy_Cole - Trust is one of those things that takes a lot of time, patience, and trying to build.
@sir_spamalot - Yeah, feeling like you need to be like everyone else certainly does not help the matter.
@mexicanarose - That fear is a big one!
@travelerblue - Good luck with all that is on your plate right now!
@philosophicthoughts - Will do :)
Great stuff here. You made me think of my younger self. In high school, I was so nerdy, so shy and out of it and sometimes the only friends I made in class were the ones who thought that befriending the smart girl meant they'd get to copy my work. I was always a stickler for integrity, so these new "friends" never lasted long. The summer before college, my fellow smart-girl and I started to visit parties from other high schools...it was great practice for socializing and people mistook us for popular girls from another school! Male attention abounded and our shells were broken. I learned quickly that guys like dumb blonds, not smart girls. So I just played up my airheaded side. After that first semester freshman year, I met my first love...a party guy who turned out to have a real heart and substance and faith. He and his friends and I would go drinking, they all thought I was so cool. One night in May, some of the guys got really drunk and admitted going through my school notebook. They'd been suspicuous that I was smart. They found evidence in the form of difficult exams with A's and even a report card. I can sit here and laugh about the guys saying,"We know you've been lying to us all these months. We KNOW your smart!" But it seems rather pathetic to see my emergence into the social scene as having been a real act because I thought it made me more accessible.
Your post makes a great point!!
I truly believe that other people in our lives (parents, partners, family, friends and even our children) intentionally and also unintentionally impose their expectations on us. If we are sensitive enough to realize this or people pleasers in a way, we try to do or be what they expect.
I am the oldest in my family and during my childhood I was constantly responsible for my younger siblings. I was taught that my lead and my example were paramount to their growth and success. I am the one they all depend on and am expected to be there for them. Of course, I want to be. Now add my own four children to that ingrained expectation and obligation.
In our effort to help, in our need for acceptance, even within our own families, we will put aside our own needs and desires, to fulfill the needs and desires of those we love.
Some people are better at deflecting imposed expectations than others.
Who really knows the reasons. You can age (like me) and I just want to know when the wisdom is supposed to kick in.
LOL.
@BigToePeople - Isn't it sad when we live in a world where some people feel that you shouldn't be smart? It's kind of ridiculous!
@fortyplusroadmap - I'm the oldest of three so I know where you are coming from with all of the expectations that your parents impose on you. If I could have a penny for every time that my parents told me how much my sisters look up to me and how important it was for me to be a good example for them. I would be a very rich person lol!
It is very exhausting isn't it??
I have always wished I was the youngest rather than oldest.......but then again........it would likely have changed who I have become. Most of the time I really like who I am so.....c'est la vie!!
@TheCheshireGrins - Yes, it's sad when someone thinks they have to sell themselves short.